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[16 Dec 2005|03:53am]
i was so wrong about everything. jordan is so amazing i couldnt ask for anyone better then him. he called me and i wasnt in a really good mood and i was having flashbacks with jess and stuff and just a bunch of really horrible shit and i thought what am i doing?!? what if it happens again that i get treated like shit, but i was so wrong. hes so good to me oh my god i could like cry... he wouldnt cheat on me or do anything intentionally to harm me and <3 what more can a girl ask for? im so lucky.... i just thought i should say that. i started crying on the phone even tho i really hate crying and stuff i just... couldnt help it. he told me so many amazing things and everything really will be ok and he loves me.... he really does as i do him. i love him and it scares me because i just fear getting hurt again, but i think the love jordan and i have will last... hes almost perfect =o) oh i cant stop lol hes just so great to me <3 im off now to think more about him haha
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[11 Dec 2005|02:17pm]
What if he cheats on me? i mean i always get cheated on and i should be able to take it by now, but im doing alot just for him and what if he cheats? i mean i know hes a flirt and other shit and i dont know... ill have to turn away and pretend like i dont see it because when that time comes there wont be any turning back. I just keep coming up with reasons why i should go and why I should run the other direction *coughs* yeah... the wales direction. I dont know, but I do know that I dont want to be in a situation where I get cheated on and I have to turn the other cheek and like just look away... thatll kill me =o\ *sighs* im going to go....
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[06 Dec 2005|02:40pm]
and once again im nervous. ive like sat in bed all day and thought all of this over and were going to fight and i dont do well with someone screaming at me as i tend to just take it all out on myself. i dont know... i dont even know if im ready to settle down now... to have to compromise and have someone telling me pretty much what i have to do when i have to go to bed when i wake up and just blah... i mean maybe it wont be like that, but what if it is? how am i to deal? im just a kid.... i was talking to him about what im going to do while hes in the field and he said well theres other wives you can do something with... im like hmmm.... wives.... my age? and youre married`?!?! nope not ready for that... at all... i live with my parents and i quite like it... well theyre in london right now but still i like europe i dont have a problem with europe... what does the states have to offer that europe doesnt? bah... i want to be there already and be sure about all this... because the past week has been horrible... and the next 2 weeks are going to be even worse... i can only imagine what sort of a wreck i will be like on the plane over there. i just dont feel like im making the right decision... and i dont think hes the one.......... but maybe im just tripping.... yeah im just tripping *nods* bye
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[04 Dec 2005|12:33pm]
Fucking hell I'm nervous... Well let me update right quick... jess and i are over for good... and when i should be happy im not because im not over him and i dont think i made the right decision where he is concerned, but i have got to find a way to have no regrets or else they will haunt me forever. Ok so I'm moving to the states with my boyfriend... I'm just feeling really unsure about all this. I know he loves me, but he tells me what to do. Well doesnt even tell me what to do just suggests it which means you know do what he says or hes going to be angry. I can live with that I guess, but then again hes going to iraq for a year... a year is a long time. I didnt think about it untill now. what will i do in this year... I mean its like... its going to be so amazingly hard and i mean a year without... whatever im nervous im having second thougts and well yeah... im going to go now as i feel as if im going to puke... i wish life was easy and decisions were easy, but none of this is easy and the only person that can make these decisions is me. *sighs*
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[29 Sep 2005|10:54pm]
ew i just lost all i wrote because im an idiot. ill make this quick... jess and i both got together work still sucks as usual, but i couldnt be more happy ^_^ thaz it!
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[25 Sep 2005|08:14pm]
[ mood | content ]

goddamn.... this is my song, but first before i post guess i should like do a bit of an update... jess and i broke up and i guess i was right all along ( well duh as usual ) no joking... even tho it might not be a thing to joke about thats how i deal with things... i remeber hed get so angry at me for saying "lol" after he was saying something serious and stuff... ahh seems like so long ago. but yeah nothing im going to reminis on. anyways parents are in london wolfgangs got a job in london now so i should be in london by december (wewt?) i dunno... ginia said she could help me get a job at this bar she works at so we will seee eee eeeeeeee.... id quite like to be a bar tender anyways lol like fun, but okay what else? nothing really... all ive been doing is clubbing and working. a whole lot of drinking which is killing my liver lol i dunno my stomach hurts its like ive got this hangover that lasting 2 days now... strange. ive finally got earlies tomorrow so ill be home at 3pm which is wewt i get to sleep and stuff afterwards, but thing is is that dunkin donuts isnt open at 7 so where in the fuck am i going to get my vanilla cappuchino from then? oh yeah ive applied for a job at this really cool cocktail bar / restraunt that i always go to... really great atmosphere and great food and really REALLY great mai tais.... mmmmmm lol so yeah i go there like every saturday now fridays is always soda... great club, but like 45 mins away which is quite a pain having to go allllll the way home at like 5am and sometimes the train is closed so ive gotta either get a cab or hope theres a kebab shop open i can get something to eat haha. but yeah now im just rambling i guess and ive got shit to do anyways.... anything really to help me keep my mind off him =o\ i guess as they say like out of sight out of mind *sighs* if only it were true. see ya latuh aligatuh RAUR

"I Changed My Mind"
(feat. Kanye West)

[Keyshia]
You know who you are
Yea you

[Kayne]
Kanye West on the track by the way

[Keyshia]
Yea...
No, No

[Verse 1:]
There's this girl I know
so deep in love (in love)
Do almost anything
to make him see she's the one
but he doesn't feel a girl like her
He's so, so wrapped up
Cause the average girl
will give him anything he wants

[Pre-Chorus]
He's so caught up
He won't call her
He shows no love
So she decides

[Chorus]
I changed my mind
I don't love you
I don't love you no more
Don't waste my time

[Verse 2:]
It's the funniest thing cause I
know how I feel inside
but you never felt the same as I
(never, never, never, ohh)
I miss him so much
I bet you don't even notice
and he don't even realise
Cause he...

[Pre-Chorus]
He's so caught up
He won't call her
He shows no love
So she decides

[Chorus]
I changed my mind
I don't love you
I don't love you no more
Don't waste my time

[Bridge]
I'm so over you
got no more to give
I gave it all to you
and you couldn't handle it
and I don't care
if you come back to me on your knees
I just don't love you no more

[Chorus]
I changed my mind
I don't love you
I don't love you no more
Don't waste my time

[Kanye]
Stop

What you thinkin'
When you see me on the corner
and you see me hagin' out
Niggas on the block
don't care what it's all about

[Kanye]
And stop

What you thinkin'
when you see me comin through
and you see me with a nigga
on the corner til' 2

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[16 Sep 2005|09:35am]
"If you have one thing to thank god for really... its that you're white!" says my mom
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[13 Sep 2005|11:26pm]
I wrote him an email and said something like well if its over just say so like those last final words, but he didnt even bother to write back... maybe im just not all that important. whatever it may be from now on my journal is going to be friends only because uhm it seems to be everything i write in here that he reads he finds a reason to get at me for... so even if we arent together guess it was dumb of me to let the whole world read my feelings (or just him) *shrugs* so yer... tis friends only now im off got a long day at work tomorrow
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[13 Sep 2005|01:41am]
for all the nights i cried... and all the times i thought i couldnt go on without that one person like my other half... even tho i love him he went too far threw accusations at me that are just unnecessary and for no reason as well. so whats left to do? im not too sure just continue doing things the way i have been and figure something out *nods* life is only as hard as you make it

"I can't make sense of all this
Delivered to confusion from bliss
Sufered so long and I miss
Feeling alive"
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[12 Sep 2005|10:03pm]
im soooo sleepy... whewerz work ish tough lol gunna go look for a new job tomorrow <3
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[09 Sep 2005|07:15pm]
3 days non stop clubbing.... i dunno why i do it to myself... guess ive just got issues saying no. im soooooo tired went out last night got in at 8am went to work at 3pm working till 11 tonight then straight to the club back at 5 hopefully work at 3 then the same thing till 11 then club till 5 then sunday long ass day as well *sighs* maybe i wont go tonight its really quite pointless when all i do is sit and watch people make a fool of themselves. i love jess!!!!!!
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[05 Sep 2005|09:50pm]
meh im tired lol, but thought it might be smart to update... well im getting slowly but surly tan and i love it getting quite addicted to be honest =o\ like i dont look like as white as cheese anymore =oD lets see im also going slowly but surly blonde... which i quite like as well... work sucks going to go tomorrow to look for a different job and then ill finally be able to tell them mother fuckers to back off like peace mwahahaha... got an email off jess and he was assuming that we were seperated. which we arent... well the more i think about it the sadder i get. i miss and love him but feel like were both totally drifting away and we will never be together. id give anything to at least be in his arms once. *sighs* well ill quit with that sappy shit tho i think ive written quite enough about that. been doing some clubbing, but havnt been drinking which is a first for me... i guess its just a waste of money. like buy a hangover or some shit plus never remeber what you did the night before like whoa i did that O.O thank god that doesnt happen to me anymore hahaha. im quite cute now ill have to post some pictures or some shit. that is all i must shower got a long day tomorrow like any other day *sighs*
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[01 Sep 2005|10:25pm]
hrmmmmm lifes okay... all i ever do is work sleep and eat. did a bit of shopping today went to the tanning salon so yeah kinda pampered myself i guess.... going to get my hair cut n highlighted on saturday as well as get my eyebrows done again which ive been meaning to do forever but havnt had the chance.... work is okay same shit different day.... *shrugs* bye
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[30 Aug 2005|12:37am]
insomnia keeping me up again *sighs* ive been quite happy since satuday which is good, but now its all hitting me again like a brick to the head. im sad again =o\ ill eat cookies and watch movies and hope it goes away *nods* its just a text i got thats been bugging me *sighs* i hate my life
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[27 Aug 2005|07:21pm]
looks like my luck is changing and ive laughed quite a few times today.... things are going to be okay they really are ^_^ running late gotta go bye
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[27 Aug 2005|12:34am]
I still feel so sick... feel like im dying *sighs* wtf am i going to do? I cant sleep I dont eat anymore i just kinda sit there either all zombie like or im all emotional. Today at work I slipped and fell on my ass so i got to laugh for about a minute, but the laughter very rapidly died as i remebered why for i was so torn apart i just went back to being down. i wish i knew a way to make the wounds heal faster *sighs* i need to go
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[26 Aug 2005|04:23pm]
well just another day where it seems like i can do nothing but cry... went to work this guy came in with his baby i looked at him looked at the baby and cried. im going to get fired very soon *sighs* id better get back to work but ill write later on tonight... can i die now? please? =o(
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[25 Aug 2005|11:38pm]
"Its amazing how someone can break your heart, but you can still love them with every broken piece of it"

So I woke up around 9 n went out with my friends a bit, but i was feeling really sick n like ran to the bathroom n threw up. I've been feeling sick all day... since last night. I think I know why, but why am I reacting the way I am? I've gotta write an email to him before I make the worst mistake ever and let him think I don't want him anymore... I just can't... I need him *sighs*
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[25 Aug 2005|04:01pm]
my god i am so sick lol. guess im just under so much stress and im so fucking confused right now... i have no clue which way to go right now and i have a feeling either way i go imma end up losing. so which losing way is the best way to go? + work is getting to me... all i ever do is get yelled at now a days. got bout an hour sleep but i was like pukin all over the place last night so it was no good then woke up n was even more sick n stumbled into work n got yelled at some more... god i feel horrible lol im just totally confused... im too tired to think so imma take a nap then got a few things to get done... maybe ill write back tonight
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[25 Aug 2005|03:19am]
ever looked at a picture of yourself in a moment where like you were totally happy, but that happyness was somehow kinda false and surreal... if you understand what i mean... i was looking at the pictures with my wedding dress on and like i was so happy and giggly i even have a picture with a real smile thats how happy i was... guess because i was hoping for something that was totally out of my reach, but it makes me kinda sad... i mean after all ive found out the last 2 days yeah... just everything hit at once like damn i cant sleep lol... everything is running thru my mind and i just cant even concentrate on one things im just all over the place... amazing i have to go to work in like 3 hours *sighs* havnt been to bed yet like, but that dress is pretty... gunna change a few things about it and its going to be gorgeous´, but who am i kidding... you know i had a sort of epiphany lol only reason i date assholes is because the ones that do care realise that im nothing but like broken and empty... *nods* ive gotta learn to feel again i just wish i knew how... anyways i cant write anymore in here its a make me cry haha ciao
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